I'm writing this in hopes that it will help me get some stuff off my mind and out of my "sub conscience", in hopes of living a life that is more "free" than what I've been living up until now.
In 1994 I met what I thought was the man of my dreams. I met "husband #1" in November 94 and we were married in September 95. It was great for the first 5 years but then everything started getting to me and I fell into a deep depression. He was a really bad alcoholic. When I say bad, I mean 12-18 beers every night, sometimes more. I truly did love him though and tried to stick it out with him but in the end, he just couldn't stop and I just couldn't live with it anymore. Nearing the end, he ended up stealing 22,000 from his job, getting fired (of course), we lost my deceased grandmothers house, and in the last 3 days together he sat with a loaded gun on his lap and had a 3 day 72 hours straight, drinking binge. In November of 04 I was on the internet regularly as an escape from real life and played alot of games on Yahoo. It was there that I met Dan.
Dan was from Canada. We talked constantly and because of the drama going on in my homelife, I started to develop feelings for him. I'm not sure even til this day how that was possible since we hadn't met yet but somehow, we had built a connection over the phone and internet that I just couldn't let go of. In December of 04 I finally found the courage to leave "husband #1" and moved into my moms house for 2 weeks. I still continued to talk to Dan and on Christmas Day decided to get in my car and take a ride up to where he lived "Niagara Falls Region". Mind you, this is the first time ever I had done something like this. I was terrified of driving and even took anxiety medicine for it. I still don't know what made me do it that day but I had to put the smiles that he caused me over the phone in "real life". I drove for which ended up taking me almost 6 hours to Niagara Falls. We stayed the night at his moms house that night and then the next day we decided to drive back down to Michigan. I had already gotten an apartment and he was going to move in with me and live our life together. When we got to the border, the agent seen the boxes in the back seat and asked us to pull over. I of course had no problem with it since I wasnt doing anything wrong...
We entered the office and the agents asked me to have a seat. While sitting there and watching the Dan converse with the agents I started to see that something "wasn't quite right". After about 45 minutes there we were turned around to head back to Canada since he wasn't allowed into the U.S. We made it back to Windsor and got a hotel room for the night. We sat down and talked and he explained to me what had happened. There was an incident when he was a kid and because he was a minor, everything would've been taken care of in June of 05. Just 5 months from that date...if we had only realized that then! We could've waited the 5 months and had him come back over with NO problem at all!
After about 3 days in Windsor I got a "bright" idea. Since they wouldn't let Dan over the border until alot of paperwork went through, I would put him in the trunk of my car and "smuggle" him over! Yeah!!! That would work out perfect! We could be happy together and I would finally be rid of my woes of my first marriage (of whom I was still married to). I got to the booth and he asked me to pop my trunk. Seriously??? Pop my trunk??? How in the hell was I supposed to do that with him (and my dog mind you) in the trunk of my car? I completely panicked. I didn't know what to do. I told him the trunk wouldn't "pop" and when he asked me for my keys to open it, I took off. Yes, you read that right....I RAN FROM BORDER CONTROL! Busting through the arms of the pay booth with agents running behind me I got onto I-96 practically on 2 wheels. I got off at the next exit and ran to get him out of the trunk. He hopped out and I left him there. In the middle of downtown Detroit, in December, with nothing on but shorts, gym shoes, and a coat.
On the way home I called my first husband and told him what had happened. He in turn called my mother home (who was working at the time) and I met her at her house. Needless to say, she COMPLETELY FREAKED OUT. I called "M" who was my best friend at the time and explained to her what had happened and asked her to go pick Dan up where I had dropped him off at in Detroit. After being yelled and screamed at by her I finally talked her into it. While at my moms, I hooked back up with Dan (who had to stand across the street from my moms house because she was freaking out so bad). After her screaming and yelling at me, everyone else coming down on me, and me not knowing what to do I called my cousin who lived about 90 miles away and told her what had happened. Luckily, she was like a sister to me and although not very happy with the situation, she said Dan and myself could come to her house.
I drove that 90 minutes watching my rear view mirror the whole time. I just KNEW the cops would be pulling me over! We arrived at her house and were there for 3 weeks.
About 2 weeks after being there I wasn't feeling very well. Unlike I ever had in my life. My cousin suggested I take a pregnancy test but I laughed at her. I had been having sex since I was 17 and had never gotten pregnant. There was no way I was pregnant by someone I had only been having sex with for 2-3 weeks!
I was wrong!
The day I found out I was pregnant was the happiest, scariest, saddest, day of my life. I finally had a baby coming that I had wanted for so many years. I had a baby coming with someone I had known physically for less than a month and was on the run with from Homeland Security. That night we found out we laid in bed together and just held each other. We were both so happy, and I was so happy that I had finally found someone I connected so well with...even if it was illegal.
The next morning my mother woke me up with a phone call saying Homeland Security was at her door and wanted to talk to me. She was terrified and whispering in her bedroom on the phone. I spoke with them and he convinced me to turn myself in. Just the day before I was crying from happiness of having a baby. Now, I was crying from being terrified of turning myself into the Federal Government.
My cousin took me downtown and I spoke with them and admitted everything that had happened. Little did I know that while I was there, they were at my cousins house with the City Police busting down her door and arresting Dan to take him to jail for 10 days then eventually back to canada. I went in front of the judge, explained I had just found out i was pregnant, and that I knew I was an idiot and he let me go on a personal bond. My lawyer ended up getting 6 months probation for me and when that ended, as long as I had stayed out of trouble, it would be written off my record (I swear I still thank God for that...I didn't realize exactly what all of that meant until a couple years had passed and I could say I wasn't a Felon). Dan, on the other hand, had to sign papers that he would not come back to the U.S. and they took him back to canada. Here I was all alone. The relationship between my mother and I had practically deteriorated, my dad wanted nothing to do with me, and the house I was living in had an 18 year old selling drugs out of it (I had later found out). When that came out, my uncle and his wife offered me to stay at their house because of me being pregnant and they knew it was an impossible situation for me to be in at my cousins house. I also thank God for my Uncle and his wife.(Thank you Joey and Julie) If it hadn't been for them, I would've had nowhere to go and no one else to turn to. I went to my probation visits and was finally allowed to return back and forth to canada in April. I was SO HAPPY!!! I could finally be with the man I loved so much and we could FINALLY live our life together with our child! I went to canada to stay and came back monthly for my probation and dr. appts. I made these trips for the most part alone which got harder and harder the more pregnant I became. Having to stop for bathroom breaks on the freeway, carrying a garbage can with me to throw up in while driving, it was all so hard but I was determined for my family to be together. He still lived with his mother in the upper flat (as mentioned before) and by the time summer rolled around I was living there 6, 7, and 8 months pregnant in the summer heat, upstairs flat with NO AIR CONDITIONING. His mother and I didn't get along very well and I was more or less confined to a bedroom BUT I did it so we could be together. Near the end of my pregnancy it became necessary for weekly trips to the Dr. so we had to move to Windsor. We stayed in a weekly motel where he was able to find a job that was about 15 minutes away. The trouble was that it was a midnight job, he had no license, we stayed in a weekly motel, and had no money. I had to take him to work at 11pm and get up every morning at 7 to go get him. All of this with being almost 9 months pregnant. (Did I mention the air conditioner didn't work in our room at the Motel either?)
One morning I went to get him at work and when we got back I wasn't feeling right. I had him call my mom and she said to get to the hospital. Everyone in my family told me to have the baby in Michigan but because I was so in love with Dan, I ended up having him in Windsor so he could be there. I went through 4 1/2 hours of labor NATURALLY. No pain meds, no epidurals.. While there, the hospital got wind of us living in a motel and their version of CPS was called to the hospital. Luckily (I guess) we had made plans to get an apartment and were moving in the day I came "home" from the hospital. The worker came out to see that my son had a place to sleep and food and the case was closed. The baby bed and baby food was about all we had. Dan had lost his job and we had absolutely no money coming in at all. Somehow we "lied" ourselves into getting into the apartment (I paid the security deposit with money I had gotten at the baby shower) so we had a roof over our heads but that was it. Our furniture consisted of folding lawn chairs. That was it. I slept on a 2 inch piece of foam on the floor next to the baby at night (did I mention the apartment was infested with bugs?) So after giving birth, losing alot of blood, being very sick, I slept on the floor of this apartment "Just so I could be with Dan". My mom begged me to come stay at her house but I wouldn't. I wouldn't leave him. After about a month there we couldn't do it anymore, packed up my car in the middle of the night with the little amount that we had and moved back to his moms. The closeness there got to all of us and him and his mother fought and argued all the time. At night when the baby cried I got up with him and fed him. It caused problems with Dan and I because he had such a hard time getting up in the middle of the night and I was so exhausted. Not to mention, he is 6 1/2 years younger than me and not very mature for his age at the time.This kept on for a couple of months until one day him and his mother were fighting so bad that I took the baby and went to Dans sisters' house. The next day I told him I was coming to my moms house for a doctors appointment and took with me what I could so not to raise suspiscion about me leaving. I packed my car and dind't look back.
When I arrived at my moms house I got a hold of "Mike R" whom had been a friend of mine since kindergarden. We had been talking back and forth through all of this but he lived in Va and I of course was in MI and Canada. I told him everything that had happened and we decided he would come up for a weekend in July so we could spend some time together since we hadn't seen each other in 12 years. That "weekend" turned out a blessing of another baby.
I realized how well he treated me when he was here and I wanted that so badly. He fell in love with my son and instantly, from day 1 of seeing him, treated him as his own. He was there for me with anything and everything I needed. Everything I needed and everything the baby needed. We decided we wanted to try to make a go again at our relationship that we started 12 years before and I went to VA for a month with him while he was in the process of transferring his job to MI. While me and the baby were down there I found out I was pregnant with my second son. The first one took 2-3 weeks and the second took 1-2 days. After so many years of not being pregnant, how could I be so lucky to have 2 so quickly? (Remember, husband #1 and myself were still married).
We moved up to MI and bought a house in Allen Park. It was never really "home" even though I tried to make it that. I still had feelings for Dan and had decided to leave Mike R and move back to canada. It wasn't the best idea. I had to do alot of running for different people while climbing up and down 15 stairs one way. (Remember, I was pregnant again and also had R.A which made stairs almost impossible). After being there for a little while I got a phone call that my assisted living application went through and I was approved for reduced housing. Again, I snuck out of the house and came back to MI. This time though was different, this time I knew I would never be going back. I moved into my apartment that I had found for me and my son and had a bed and a TV that my best friend had given me. Mike R came over and after alot of talking, we decided to get back together. He considered my son his and afterall I was pregnant with his baby. I loved him so much. He took care of me in everyway possible. The baby needed diapers, he got them. The baby needed clothes, he got them. He was the perfect "daddy" and I couldn't have been happier. I had made 2 more trips to canada thinking it was what I had wanted but finally got it through my thick skull that it wasn't going to work out. Thankfully, Mike R was still here for me and my son when I came back. When I finally made it back the last time we had decided for him to move into the apartment with me and "our" son. By that time the baby knew only him as daddy and they shared a special bond. When it became clear that I was going to be with Mike and Dan and I completely ended it, I COMPLETELY broke down. It was as close to having a nervous breakdown as possible. I could literally feel my heart breaking into pieces. It was something like I'd never experienced before and I knew I NEVER wanted to experience again. I didn't think I would ever heal, that my heart would ever be whole again (turned out I was right). (remember, I'm still married to my first husband). After some months, in March of 2007 my second son was born.
