After skimming through my blogs I've noticed that I haven't clued anyone in on the subject of telling my oldest son that the daddy he knew wasn't his "biological dad".
Danny is very mature and smart for his age. Sometimes I wonder how such a child came out of all the chaos and drama that had been in his life. Thank God for resilience with kids...none of the past had affected Danny at all.
I had been seeing a therapist for quite awhile and started taking the kids to see him too (when Mike R. and I had divorced). I wanted to make sure the well being of my kids wasn't being compromised with everything going on. I had been seeing this therapist since the breakup of Dan and I so he pretty much knew everything going on. He knew that Danny had a "Bio Dad" that he didn't know about.
I confronted the therapist with the thought of telling Danny about his family that he wasn't aware of. I didn't want to have something happen to me and have Danny find out after I'm gone and he's older that he had an entire family (and DAD) that I didn't tell him about. I didn't want many years to go by without telling him and have him miss out on even more than he already had. With the reassurance of the therapist, I knew I had to tell Danny.
I remember being in the car with just him and I one day. It went something like Danny? You know Daddy loves you so very much. "yes Mommy"...after that is kinda a blur. I did tell him however that he had another Dad that loved him so very much and an entire family that he didn't know anything about because he was too young to remember the last time he had seen them. I told him that his Dad and I loved each other very much but couldn't get along so I thought it best for us to be apart. Not surprisingly, Danny took it very well and very much in stride. He of course wanted to know all about Dan and never once called him "daddy". In his mind, he had a daddy but now he also had a "dad". On April 8th, 2011(Dans birthday) I set up Skype and got a hold of Dan telling him everything. Danny wanted to see him and talk to him. He wanted to know who this man who is suddenly his dad was all about. They talked online for quite awhile. Laughing, being silly, and talking about sports and school. It was very obvious to me that Danny was enjoying having Dan in his life and that I had done the right thing. Danny wanted to know about his cousins and his other grandma. I showed him all the pictures that I had saved (it was the only connection I had to Dan and our memories) and told him who everyone was. He talked to Dan online from April until October and it was then that I realized he was ready to meet him in person.
Monday, May 14, 2012
2012....destined to be our year!!
So, Dan was able to take a transfer with his job which landed him about an hour outside of Windsor. He had some friends in Windsor that allowed him to stay there so he made the hour trip back and forth every day for work. We were so happy! Finally, it would be so much easier to see each other! Unfortunately, that wasn't always the case...
Because he lived in an upstairs flat with 2 friends there was obviously no room for myself and 2 kids to come on the weekend. The only option we had was a hotel. It became pricey and I became aggravated. After a short while, Dan found himself an apartment. I promised him I would bring Danny over on the weekends so they could build a relationship together. I promised him that I could stay there while he was at work and be there when he got home...he would hardly be alone!
Something changed. When I was there it felt good to be there with him but, when I got home, I had another life to take care of. I had a house, kids, bills, school, family, etc. etc. that I had to take care of on my own. It was like I had 2 seperate lives and it became a strain on our relationship. I was tired once the weekend came from everything during the week. The kids went to daddys house every weekend and all I really wanted to do was either sleep or "destress" in front of the TV and not have to move. Dan wanted me to come over there and spend time with him (which I had promised him I would do) but somehow, the 1/2 hour/45 minute drive to his apartment felt like 3 hours. I was tired...
I told him several times I would come over because I didn't want to disappoint him but then when the time came, I was just so tired or didn't feel like moving that I made excuses to him about having to stay here. It of course caused arguments between us but his love for me still remained the same. I had to wonder sometimes if mine did. I let little things bother me, I let what other people said bother me, and I let them bother me to the point of causing a breakup between the two of us. I realize now that the love on my end never waivered. I had (and still do) a hard time doing what makes me happy if it's not what others think I should do. Judging from the past, alot of people (family mostly) thought it would be best if him and I weren't together. I started listening to them, let the little things bother me, and sooner or later let it cause trouble between Dan and myself.
Breaking up with Dan never changed the way I felt. I still loved him, I still thought about him, and I still longed for him to be with me. I wanted more than anything for the paperwork to go through for him to be here and I wanted it done NOW. I know that's not realistic and things like that take time (don't need another border incident) but if it's one thing the both of us DON'T have is patience. So, while listening to other people and letting them influence my thoughts, we went back and forth alot in our relationship/breaking up. I really didn't understand why I was doing it. Why was I listening to other people that knew NOTHING of the feelings and connection that him and I had shared? Sooner rather than later, we would talk and get back together. It became a roller coaster to everyone in my life. I just knew I wanted to be with him but maybe what others were saying were true? Afterall, maybe they knew me better than myself?
I realized I was wrong but tried it one more time (just recently actually) and completely ignored him and every member of his family. I used positive reinforcement and tried to convince myself that life went on and I would be happy. The thing that I couldn't ignore is that Danny now knew him...and loved him as a dad. How can I take that out of his life? I still tried to convince myself (and others) that I wanted us apart. It made everyone happy. Everyone but me and our son. Danny came to me with tears saying he missed his dad, he would ask me continuously when we were going back to Canada again, and I laid in bed at night longing for him to be laying next to me...I came to realize that regardless of how much I try to convince myself (and others) that it's best for us to be apart, it's never going to be true. We will NEVER be happy or fulfilled without each other...
Because he lived in an upstairs flat with 2 friends there was obviously no room for myself and 2 kids to come on the weekend. The only option we had was a hotel. It became pricey and I became aggravated. After a short while, Dan found himself an apartment. I promised him I would bring Danny over on the weekends so they could build a relationship together. I promised him that I could stay there while he was at work and be there when he got home...he would hardly be alone!
Something changed. When I was there it felt good to be there with him but, when I got home, I had another life to take care of. I had a house, kids, bills, school, family, etc. etc. that I had to take care of on my own. It was like I had 2 seperate lives and it became a strain on our relationship. I was tired once the weekend came from everything during the week. The kids went to daddys house every weekend and all I really wanted to do was either sleep or "destress" in front of the TV and not have to move. Dan wanted me to come over there and spend time with him (which I had promised him I would do) but somehow, the 1/2 hour/45 minute drive to his apartment felt like 3 hours. I was tired...
I told him several times I would come over because I didn't want to disappoint him but then when the time came, I was just so tired or didn't feel like moving that I made excuses to him about having to stay here. It of course caused arguments between us but his love for me still remained the same. I had to wonder sometimes if mine did. I let little things bother me, I let what other people said bother me, and I let them bother me to the point of causing a breakup between the two of us. I realize now that the love on my end never waivered. I had (and still do) a hard time doing what makes me happy if it's not what others think I should do. Judging from the past, alot of people (family mostly) thought it would be best if him and I weren't together. I started listening to them, let the little things bother me, and sooner or later let it cause trouble between Dan and myself.
Breaking up with Dan never changed the way I felt. I still loved him, I still thought about him, and I still longed for him to be with me. I wanted more than anything for the paperwork to go through for him to be here and I wanted it done NOW. I know that's not realistic and things like that take time (don't need another border incident) but if it's one thing the both of us DON'T have is patience. So, while listening to other people and letting them influence my thoughts, we went back and forth alot in our relationship/breaking up. I really didn't understand why I was doing it. Why was I listening to other people that knew NOTHING of the feelings and connection that him and I had shared? Sooner rather than later, we would talk and get back together. It became a roller coaster to everyone in my life. I just knew I wanted to be with him but maybe what others were saying were true? Afterall, maybe they knew me better than myself?
I realized I was wrong but tried it one more time (just recently actually) and completely ignored him and every member of his family. I used positive reinforcement and tried to convince myself that life went on and I would be happy. The thing that I couldn't ignore is that Danny now knew him...and loved him as a dad. How can I take that out of his life? I still tried to convince myself (and others) that I wanted us apart. It made everyone happy. Everyone but me and our son. Danny came to me with tears saying he missed his dad, he would ask me continuously when we were going back to Canada again, and I laid in bed at night longing for him to be laying next to me...I came to realize that regardless of how much I try to convince myself (and others) that it's best for us to be apart, it's never going to be true. We will NEVER be happy or fulfilled without each other...
Finally after over 4 years...I felt his touch again
So, thankfully for a good friend of mine we were able to get into the new house. Finally, a fresh start for my life. I had my best friend living with me and my 2 babies. I didn't need anything else!! Everything went totally great. Got the kids ready for school, Danny continued to communicate back and forth with Dan (have I even mentioned that Danny now knew about Dan being his father?) It's been so long since I've written I don't even remember what I've written about! Anyway, Danny continued to talk to Dan and I decided on October 5th that I would take him to Canada to see him. (Dan now lived 8 hours away but gladly made the 8 hour trip down to Windsor) I thought it best that I go over to spend some time with him alone first so we could talk. Afterall, it had been 4+ years since we had seen each other and I wasn't really all excited to just bring Danny over and say Hi Danny! This is your dad! So, we made arrangements to stay at the Windsor Casino that Wednesday night together. I was soooo nervous but excited at the same time. I had dreamt so many times about this happening. I never in a million years thought it ever would again so imagine the happiness I had (and the hope) when I knew he had finally made it to Windsor. He walked in the room, came over to me and kissed me a very short but (we finally made it back together and nothing will change that) kiss. I KNEW within that second that we had finally made it. Finally, all of those dreams had become a reality...I was like a child at Disneyland...dreams really do come true!
Dan and I had an amazing night that night. We sat and talked, cried, hugged, and cried some more. Come to find out, the dreams I had had in those 4 years were the same ones he had had. He wanted so bad to tell me how he really felt during those years but everytime an email or call was exchanged it had to be 100% about Danny. His g/f had made sure of that! I was so relieved to hear that he felt the same way. That he still loved me and that connection we had felt was still felt by the both of us. Even after 4 years...those feelings never changed.
The next day I went home and he stayed in a hotel in Windsor. On Friday I took Danny over. Danny was so excited he was beside himself. Afterall, he had been such a baby the last time we crossed the Ambassador Bridge! He was amazed at being on top and seeing the water. We made it through customs easily and went across the street to McDonalds where Dan was waiting for us. Danny jumped out of the car and ran right over to Dan. He hugged him so hard that he knocked him backwards and they both started laughing. It brought instant tears to my eyes and still does today just remembering that moment. We spent the weekend there and everything went great. It was like the 4 years never distanced us. When we were together, the only thing that made it a reality was that Danny was older. To Dan and I, it was like those 4 years never even happened. I FINALLY felt the way I had been trying to feel during our absence and there was NO WAY I was ever going to give that up again!!! I couldn't be happier...I finally had the love of my life back...and Danny had his dad!
Things continued to progress but because Dan was 8 hours away, it wasn't easy to just come down on the weekends so he could see us. We made it through the month of November and then it was Christmas. I had alot of debate in my head about Christmas because I felt very torn. I didn't want Mike R. (his "daddy") to miss out on anything but on the other hand, I had Dan and his family that had missed so much already with Danny. I made the decision to have Mike R. here on Christmas morning and after Santas gifts were unwrapped, the kids and I packed up and headed for Windsor. Dan met us there and we drove the 3 1/2 hours to his familys' house. For the first time since our reunion, I felt very anxious, almost sick to my stomach. We drove through his city and SO MANY memories came flooding back. The 7-11 we stopped at together, the drawbridges we sat on the back porch every night and heard moving while letting the boats through. In a really weird way, it felt like "home" to me. One thing for sure though..I'm very glad I was there with Dan. If I hadn't been, and had to be there for another reason, I would've been an emotional mess! It brought tears to my eyes remembering everything we had done together and I thanked God that we would have so many more memories together.
We finally made it to the hall for his familys Christmas Dinner/gift exchange. Dans mom met us outside and gave Danny (and Robby) a really big hug. I glanced at her and could see tears in her eyes. She hugged me too and by the time she was done, Danny was wanting to get in and see his family that he had heard so much about. We entered the hall and Dans mom introduced Danny to everyone. They were all so happy he was there and it was one of the best Christmas' I've ever had. He played with his cousins (there was so many) and had a great time. We stayed at a nearby hotel (I wasn't sure how the feelings were going to be while being there so thought it best to not stay with his family until I was sure I would be comfortable). The next day we went to his sisters house and got to spend the day with the immediate family for dinner. The boys played all day and we were all sad when it came time to leave. The trip home was bittersweet. So many memories up there of Dan and I together...I thanked God once again that we would be together to make more.
Dan and I had an amazing night that night. We sat and talked, cried, hugged, and cried some more. Come to find out, the dreams I had had in those 4 years were the same ones he had had. He wanted so bad to tell me how he really felt during those years but everytime an email or call was exchanged it had to be 100% about Danny. His g/f had made sure of that! I was so relieved to hear that he felt the same way. That he still loved me and that connection we had felt was still felt by the both of us. Even after 4 years...those feelings never changed.
The next day I went home and he stayed in a hotel in Windsor. On Friday I took Danny over. Danny was so excited he was beside himself. Afterall, he had been such a baby the last time we crossed the Ambassador Bridge! He was amazed at being on top and seeing the water. We made it through customs easily and went across the street to McDonalds where Dan was waiting for us. Danny jumped out of the car and ran right over to Dan. He hugged him so hard that he knocked him backwards and they both started laughing. It brought instant tears to my eyes and still does today just remembering that moment. We spent the weekend there and everything went great. It was like the 4 years never distanced us. When we were together, the only thing that made it a reality was that Danny was older. To Dan and I, it was like those 4 years never even happened. I FINALLY felt the way I had been trying to feel during our absence and there was NO WAY I was ever going to give that up again!!! I couldn't be happier...I finally had the love of my life back...and Danny had his dad!
Things continued to progress but because Dan was 8 hours away, it wasn't easy to just come down on the weekends so he could see us. We made it through the month of November and then it was Christmas. I had alot of debate in my head about Christmas because I felt very torn. I didn't want Mike R. (his "daddy") to miss out on anything but on the other hand, I had Dan and his family that had missed so much already with Danny. I made the decision to have Mike R. here on Christmas morning and after Santas gifts were unwrapped, the kids and I packed up and headed for Windsor. Dan met us there and we drove the 3 1/2 hours to his familys' house. For the first time since our reunion, I felt very anxious, almost sick to my stomach. We drove through his city and SO MANY memories came flooding back. The 7-11 we stopped at together, the drawbridges we sat on the back porch every night and heard moving while letting the boats through. In a really weird way, it felt like "home" to me. One thing for sure though..I'm very glad I was there with Dan. If I hadn't been, and had to be there for another reason, I would've been an emotional mess! It brought tears to my eyes remembering everything we had done together and I thanked God that we would have so many more memories together.
We finally made it to the hall for his familys Christmas Dinner/gift exchange. Dans mom met us outside and gave Danny (and Robby) a really big hug. I glanced at her and could see tears in her eyes. She hugged me too and by the time she was done, Danny was wanting to get in and see his family that he had heard so much about. We entered the hall and Dans mom introduced Danny to everyone. They were all so happy he was there and it was one of the best Christmas' I've ever had. He played with his cousins (there was so many) and had a great time. We stayed at a nearby hotel (I wasn't sure how the feelings were going to be while being there so thought it best to not stay with his family until I was sure I would be comfortable). The next day we went to his sisters house and got to spend the day with the immediate family for dinner. The boys played all day and we were all sad when it came time to leave. The trip home was bittersweet. So many memories up there of Dan and I together...I thanked God once again that we would be together to make more.
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