After skimming through my blogs I've noticed that I haven't clued anyone in on the subject of telling my oldest son that the daddy he knew wasn't his "biological dad".
Danny is very mature and smart for his age. Sometimes I wonder how such a child came out of all the chaos and drama that had been in his life. Thank God for resilience with kids...none of the past had affected Danny at all.
I had been seeing a therapist for quite awhile and started taking the kids to see him too (when Mike R. and I had divorced). I wanted to make sure the well being of my kids wasn't being compromised with everything going on. I had been seeing this therapist since the breakup of Dan and I so he pretty much knew everything going on. He knew that Danny had a "Bio Dad" that he didn't know about.
I confronted the therapist with the thought of telling Danny about his family that he wasn't aware of. I didn't want to have something happen to me and have Danny find out after I'm gone and he's older that he had an entire family (and DAD) that I didn't tell him about. I didn't want many years to go by without telling him and have him miss out on even more than he already had. With the reassurance of the therapist, I knew I had to tell Danny.
I remember being in the car with just him and I one day. It went something like Danny? You know Daddy loves you so very much. "yes Mommy"...after that is kinda a blur. I did tell him however that he had another Dad that loved him so very much and an entire family that he didn't know anything about because he was too young to remember the last time he had seen them. I told him that his Dad and I loved each other very much but couldn't get along so I thought it best for us to be apart. Not surprisingly, Danny took it very well and very much in stride. He of course wanted to know all about Dan and never once called him "daddy". In his mind, he had a daddy but now he also had a "dad". On April 8th, 2011(Dans birthday) I set up Skype and got a hold of Dan telling him everything. Danny wanted to see him and talk to him. He wanted to know who this man who is suddenly his dad was all about. They talked online for quite awhile. Laughing, being silly, and talking about sports and school. It was very obvious to me that Danny was enjoying having Dan in his life and that I had done the right thing. Danny wanted to know about his cousins and his other grandma. I showed him all the pictures that I had saved (it was the only connection I had to Dan and our memories) and told him who everyone was. He talked to Dan online from April until October and it was then that I realized he was ready to meet him in person.
Monday, May 14, 2012
2012....destined to be our year!!
So, Dan was able to take a transfer with his job which landed him about an hour outside of Windsor. He had some friends in Windsor that allowed him to stay there so he made the hour trip back and forth every day for work. We were so happy! Finally, it would be so much easier to see each other! Unfortunately, that wasn't always the case...
Because he lived in an upstairs flat with 2 friends there was obviously no room for myself and 2 kids to come on the weekend. The only option we had was a hotel. It became pricey and I became aggravated. After a short while, Dan found himself an apartment. I promised him I would bring Danny over on the weekends so they could build a relationship together. I promised him that I could stay there while he was at work and be there when he got home...he would hardly be alone!
Something changed. When I was there it felt good to be there with him but, when I got home, I had another life to take care of. I had a house, kids, bills, school, family, etc. etc. that I had to take care of on my own. It was like I had 2 seperate lives and it became a strain on our relationship. I was tired once the weekend came from everything during the week. The kids went to daddys house every weekend and all I really wanted to do was either sleep or "destress" in front of the TV and not have to move. Dan wanted me to come over there and spend time with him (which I had promised him I would do) but somehow, the 1/2 hour/45 minute drive to his apartment felt like 3 hours. I was tired...
I told him several times I would come over because I didn't want to disappoint him but then when the time came, I was just so tired or didn't feel like moving that I made excuses to him about having to stay here. It of course caused arguments between us but his love for me still remained the same. I had to wonder sometimes if mine did. I let little things bother me, I let what other people said bother me, and I let them bother me to the point of causing a breakup between the two of us. I realize now that the love on my end never waivered. I had (and still do) a hard time doing what makes me happy if it's not what others think I should do. Judging from the past, alot of people (family mostly) thought it would be best if him and I weren't together. I started listening to them, let the little things bother me, and sooner or later let it cause trouble between Dan and myself.
Breaking up with Dan never changed the way I felt. I still loved him, I still thought about him, and I still longed for him to be with me. I wanted more than anything for the paperwork to go through for him to be here and I wanted it done NOW. I know that's not realistic and things like that take time (don't need another border incident) but if it's one thing the both of us DON'T have is patience. So, while listening to other people and letting them influence my thoughts, we went back and forth alot in our relationship/breaking up. I really didn't understand why I was doing it. Why was I listening to other people that knew NOTHING of the feelings and connection that him and I had shared? Sooner rather than later, we would talk and get back together. It became a roller coaster to everyone in my life. I just knew I wanted to be with him but maybe what others were saying were true? Afterall, maybe they knew me better than myself?
I realized I was wrong but tried it one more time (just recently actually) and completely ignored him and every member of his family. I used positive reinforcement and tried to convince myself that life went on and I would be happy. The thing that I couldn't ignore is that Danny now knew him...and loved him as a dad. How can I take that out of his life? I still tried to convince myself (and others) that I wanted us apart. It made everyone happy. Everyone but me and our son. Danny came to me with tears saying he missed his dad, he would ask me continuously when we were going back to Canada again, and I laid in bed at night longing for him to be laying next to me...I came to realize that regardless of how much I try to convince myself (and others) that it's best for us to be apart, it's never going to be true. We will NEVER be happy or fulfilled without each other...
Because he lived in an upstairs flat with 2 friends there was obviously no room for myself and 2 kids to come on the weekend. The only option we had was a hotel. It became pricey and I became aggravated. After a short while, Dan found himself an apartment. I promised him I would bring Danny over on the weekends so they could build a relationship together. I promised him that I could stay there while he was at work and be there when he got home...he would hardly be alone!
Something changed. When I was there it felt good to be there with him but, when I got home, I had another life to take care of. I had a house, kids, bills, school, family, etc. etc. that I had to take care of on my own. It was like I had 2 seperate lives and it became a strain on our relationship. I was tired once the weekend came from everything during the week. The kids went to daddys house every weekend and all I really wanted to do was either sleep or "destress" in front of the TV and not have to move. Dan wanted me to come over there and spend time with him (which I had promised him I would do) but somehow, the 1/2 hour/45 minute drive to his apartment felt like 3 hours. I was tired...
I told him several times I would come over because I didn't want to disappoint him but then when the time came, I was just so tired or didn't feel like moving that I made excuses to him about having to stay here. It of course caused arguments between us but his love for me still remained the same. I had to wonder sometimes if mine did. I let little things bother me, I let what other people said bother me, and I let them bother me to the point of causing a breakup between the two of us. I realize now that the love on my end never waivered. I had (and still do) a hard time doing what makes me happy if it's not what others think I should do. Judging from the past, alot of people (family mostly) thought it would be best if him and I weren't together. I started listening to them, let the little things bother me, and sooner or later let it cause trouble between Dan and myself.
Breaking up with Dan never changed the way I felt. I still loved him, I still thought about him, and I still longed for him to be with me. I wanted more than anything for the paperwork to go through for him to be here and I wanted it done NOW. I know that's not realistic and things like that take time (don't need another border incident) but if it's one thing the both of us DON'T have is patience. So, while listening to other people and letting them influence my thoughts, we went back and forth alot in our relationship/breaking up. I really didn't understand why I was doing it. Why was I listening to other people that knew NOTHING of the feelings and connection that him and I had shared? Sooner rather than later, we would talk and get back together. It became a roller coaster to everyone in my life. I just knew I wanted to be with him but maybe what others were saying were true? Afterall, maybe they knew me better than myself?
I realized I was wrong but tried it one more time (just recently actually) and completely ignored him and every member of his family. I used positive reinforcement and tried to convince myself that life went on and I would be happy. The thing that I couldn't ignore is that Danny now knew him...and loved him as a dad. How can I take that out of his life? I still tried to convince myself (and others) that I wanted us apart. It made everyone happy. Everyone but me and our son. Danny came to me with tears saying he missed his dad, he would ask me continuously when we were going back to Canada again, and I laid in bed at night longing for him to be laying next to me...I came to realize that regardless of how much I try to convince myself (and others) that it's best for us to be apart, it's never going to be true. We will NEVER be happy or fulfilled without each other...
Finally after over 4 years...I felt his touch again
So, thankfully for a good friend of mine we were able to get into the new house. Finally, a fresh start for my life. I had my best friend living with me and my 2 babies. I didn't need anything else!! Everything went totally great. Got the kids ready for school, Danny continued to communicate back and forth with Dan (have I even mentioned that Danny now knew about Dan being his father?) It's been so long since I've written I don't even remember what I've written about! Anyway, Danny continued to talk to Dan and I decided on October 5th that I would take him to Canada to see him. (Dan now lived 8 hours away but gladly made the 8 hour trip down to Windsor) I thought it best that I go over to spend some time with him alone first so we could talk. Afterall, it had been 4+ years since we had seen each other and I wasn't really all excited to just bring Danny over and say Hi Danny! This is your dad! So, we made arrangements to stay at the Windsor Casino that Wednesday night together. I was soooo nervous but excited at the same time. I had dreamt so many times about this happening. I never in a million years thought it ever would again so imagine the happiness I had (and the hope) when I knew he had finally made it to Windsor. He walked in the room, came over to me and kissed me a very short but (we finally made it back together and nothing will change that) kiss. I KNEW within that second that we had finally made it. Finally, all of those dreams had become a reality...I was like a child at Disneyland...dreams really do come true!
Dan and I had an amazing night that night. We sat and talked, cried, hugged, and cried some more. Come to find out, the dreams I had had in those 4 years were the same ones he had had. He wanted so bad to tell me how he really felt during those years but everytime an email or call was exchanged it had to be 100% about Danny. His g/f had made sure of that! I was so relieved to hear that he felt the same way. That he still loved me and that connection we had felt was still felt by the both of us. Even after 4 years...those feelings never changed.
The next day I went home and he stayed in a hotel in Windsor. On Friday I took Danny over. Danny was so excited he was beside himself. Afterall, he had been such a baby the last time we crossed the Ambassador Bridge! He was amazed at being on top and seeing the water. We made it through customs easily and went across the street to McDonalds where Dan was waiting for us. Danny jumped out of the car and ran right over to Dan. He hugged him so hard that he knocked him backwards and they both started laughing. It brought instant tears to my eyes and still does today just remembering that moment. We spent the weekend there and everything went great. It was like the 4 years never distanced us. When we were together, the only thing that made it a reality was that Danny was older. To Dan and I, it was like those 4 years never even happened. I FINALLY felt the way I had been trying to feel during our absence and there was NO WAY I was ever going to give that up again!!! I couldn't be happier...I finally had the love of my life back...and Danny had his dad!
Things continued to progress but because Dan was 8 hours away, it wasn't easy to just come down on the weekends so he could see us. We made it through the month of November and then it was Christmas. I had alot of debate in my head about Christmas because I felt very torn. I didn't want Mike R. (his "daddy") to miss out on anything but on the other hand, I had Dan and his family that had missed so much already with Danny. I made the decision to have Mike R. here on Christmas morning and after Santas gifts were unwrapped, the kids and I packed up and headed for Windsor. Dan met us there and we drove the 3 1/2 hours to his familys' house. For the first time since our reunion, I felt very anxious, almost sick to my stomach. We drove through his city and SO MANY memories came flooding back. The 7-11 we stopped at together, the drawbridges we sat on the back porch every night and heard moving while letting the boats through. In a really weird way, it felt like "home" to me. One thing for sure though..I'm very glad I was there with Dan. If I hadn't been, and had to be there for another reason, I would've been an emotional mess! It brought tears to my eyes remembering everything we had done together and I thanked God that we would have so many more memories together.
We finally made it to the hall for his familys Christmas Dinner/gift exchange. Dans mom met us outside and gave Danny (and Robby) a really big hug. I glanced at her and could see tears in her eyes. She hugged me too and by the time she was done, Danny was wanting to get in and see his family that he had heard so much about. We entered the hall and Dans mom introduced Danny to everyone. They were all so happy he was there and it was one of the best Christmas' I've ever had. He played with his cousins (there was so many) and had a great time. We stayed at a nearby hotel (I wasn't sure how the feelings were going to be while being there so thought it best to not stay with his family until I was sure I would be comfortable). The next day we went to his sisters house and got to spend the day with the immediate family for dinner. The boys played all day and we were all sad when it came time to leave. The trip home was bittersweet. So many memories up there of Dan and I together...I thanked God once again that we would be together to make more.
Dan and I had an amazing night that night. We sat and talked, cried, hugged, and cried some more. Come to find out, the dreams I had had in those 4 years were the same ones he had had. He wanted so bad to tell me how he really felt during those years but everytime an email or call was exchanged it had to be 100% about Danny. His g/f had made sure of that! I was so relieved to hear that he felt the same way. That he still loved me and that connection we had felt was still felt by the both of us. Even after 4 years...those feelings never changed.
The next day I went home and he stayed in a hotel in Windsor. On Friday I took Danny over. Danny was so excited he was beside himself. Afterall, he had been such a baby the last time we crossed the Ambassador Bridge! He was amazed at being on top and seeing the water. We made it through customs easily and went across the street to McDonalds where Dan was waiting for us. Danny jumped out of the car and ran right over to Dan. He hugged him so hard that he knocked him backwards and they both started laughing. It brought instant tears to my eyes and still does today just remembering that moment. We spent the weekend there and everything went great. It was like the 4 years never distanced us. When we were together, the only thing that made it a reality was that Danny was older. To Dan and I, it was like those 4 years never even happened. I FINALLY felt the way I had been trying to feel during our absence and there was NO WAY I was ever going to give that up again!!! I couldn't be happier...I finally had the love of my life back...and Danny had his dad!
Things continued to progress but because Dan was 8 hours away, it wasn't easy to just come down on the weekends so he could see us. We made it through the month of November and then it was Christmas. I had alot of debate in my head about Christmas because I felt very torn. I didn't want Mike R. (his "daddy") to miss out on anything but on the other hand, I had Dan and his family that had missed so much already with Danny. I made the decision to have Mike R. here on Christmas morning and after Santas gifts were unwrapped, the kids and I packed up and headed for Windsor. Dan met us there and we drove the 3 1/2 hours to his familys' house. For the first time since our reunion, I felt very anxious, almost sick to my stomach. We drove through his city and SO MANY memories came flooding back. The 7-11 we stopped at together, the drawbridges we sat on the back porch every night and heard moving while letting the boats through. In a really weird way, it felt like "home" to me. One thing for sure though..I'm very glad I was there with Dan. If I hadn't been, and had to be there for another reason, I would've been an emotional mess! It brought tears to my eyes remembering everything we had done together and I thanked God that we would have so many more memories together.
We finally made it to the hall for his familys Christmas Dinner/gift exchange. Dans mom met us outside and gave Danny (and Robby) a really big hug. I glanced at her and could see tears in her eyes. She hugged me too and by the time she was done, Danny was wanting to get in and see his family that he had heard so much about. We entered the hall and Dans mom introduced Danny to everyone. They were all so happy he was there and it was one of the best Christmas' I've ever had. He played with his cousins (there was so many) and had a great time. We stayed at a nearby hotel (I wasn't sure how the feelings were going to be while being there so thought it best to not stay with his family until I was sure I would be comfortable). The next day we went to his sisters house and got to spend the day with the immediate family for dinner. The boys played all day and we were all sad when it came time to leave. The trip home was bittersweet. So many memories up there of Dan and I together...I thanked God once again that we would be together to make more.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
A blast from the past....a present for the future?
So, good ol' Facebook. I had been looking for my ex boyfriend (Mike P) over the past years mainly because I was really curious as to how his life had turned out. To be honest with you, from what I had heard about his life, I wasn't even sure he was still alive. Around the year 1998 (approx) my mom had ran into him at her workplace. He was a manager at another restaurant and had came to hers for a manager meeting. She told me she seen him and that put him back into my mind. He also had told her that he was getting married so as quick as he entered my mind, he went right to the back of it.
So, fast forward to 2010. May of 2010. I decided to look up his name on Facebook and BAM! There he was...it was really him! I stared at his profile for what seemed like an hour, his name, his picture...I clicked on the message button to send him a message but what was I going to say? Hi! Remember me? I've been stalking you over the years and here I am to "peep" into your life? I was really nervous to send anything but I knew I had to...I had to before the opportunity was gone.
So...I did. It was quick, to the point, and said something like "Hi! Remember me?" I was just looking through and thought I'd look to see if you were on FB and you were! If you'd like to talk and say hello, feel free to write me back. I have to say...I was more excited than nervous to see what would happen. The next day I received a message back from him with his phone number.
Of course I could barely get to my phone without falling out of my chair. I wanted to talk and see how he was doing. On the other hand, I wasn't sure how I would feel hearing his voice again. We had a pretty long term relationship in High School and although he lived in Southgate when we dated, he had previously lived in Taylor and we had mutual friends. In fact, one was still a very dear friend of mine.
I called him and we talked for 3 hours!
After talking for 2 days STRAIGHT (only hanging up to sleep) I couldn't take it anymore. He was divorced, single, and lived in Ohio.Our mutual friend and myself decided to take the trip down there and have dinner with him. The minute I seen him, it was still an instant attraction. We both sat in the back seat of her car and he had his arm around me the whole time. I couldn't stop smiling. I felt SO SECURE sitting with him. How in the HELL could it feel so "familiar" after not seeing/talking to each other for 22 years? After spending a couple of hours together, my friend and I headed back home. Mike P and I talked for the 2 days following that and that weekend he came up here and spent a couple of days together (Memorial Day weekend). It was a great time...just like old times. We spent alone time together, there was a connection. A connection that I hadn't felt before. I felt a connection with Dan, even with Mike R. but this was different. Him and I could sit and talk for hours. We "felt" each other. We "understood" each other. We spent time with my family and it felt great. After the weekend was over he went back to Ohio but we still talked constantly. The following week I was in Ohio picking him up with his stuff and moving him into my house with me.
Yes, you read that right...after approx. a week and a half of talking after 22 years, I moved him into my home with my 2 kids...oh yeah, and Mike R. He was still there for approx. a week (in the basement) while Mike P was upstairs with me. Yes...VERY tense situation. Looking back I know it wasn't the wisest thing for me to do. At the time I thought it was the RIGHT thing to do. Someone I could have a stable relationship with and would be a good role model for my boys.
After a week or so Mike R. moved out and into an apartment while still seeing his girlfriend. He was happy but still came to me letting me know he still loved me. Letting me know that he would love for us to have been able to work it out and be a family. I myself wanted Mike P and me to work out so I kept Mike R. at arms length. After a little while of being together I started to see that he was more "controlling" than I was willing to admit at the beginning. I was (and still am) a control freak. That caused us to butt heads alot. He also was strict with the kids. I needed help with the boys. They were completely out of control and with everything that had been going on, I was on the edge of a nervous breakdown. Mike P set limits with the kids and helped keep them in line. I welcomed the help at the beginning, then little things started bothering me. The kids didn't want to be around him because they did'nt like having to listen. Mike P also is a big guy and very intimidating. The kids were scared of him and that started to drive a wedge between us. Things started bothering me more and more. I had outside influences in my ear telling me that he was no good for me and the boys. The more I heard from people, the more things bothered me.
January 3rd, 2011 the kids were at my Uncles house for the weekend. I called Mike and told him he had til 5pm the next day to get out of my house. He had nowhere to go. No car. Didn't know anyone here. He eventually found a friend from work to let him stay at his house for a week before finding a room to rent, still in Taylor. I FELT LIKE CRAP!!!
After a couple of weeks him and I started talking. I still loved him so much but I knew we couldn't be together. I couldn't handle the outside influences. I couldn't handle my kids not liking him or wanting to be in their own home. I couldn't handle not being in control of everything aspect of life. I couldn't handle having someone, a partner, that stood up to me and demanded respect. I wasn't sure how to handle any of that.
We stayed in contact. To say I was STRESSED is to say the least. I had to sneak around to see him (yes, I was 38 years old). I wanted to help him out with what he needed but I couldn't let anyone know I was doing it. I couldn't let people know I was still associating with him.
That went on for a couple of months until finally, sometime in June, I couldn't do it anymore. I told him I couldn't help him out or be there for him anymore. He moved back to Ohio and we lost contact. I missed him terribly. Thought about him constantly. Mike R. had moved back in and I once again, was trying to make it work with him. The past repeated itself with Mike R and myself and we ended it again. In August I took myself, my 2 boys, and my best friend Tony and moved into a new house.
So, fast forward to 2010. May of 2010. I decided to look up his name on Facebook and BAM! There he was...it was really him! I stared at his profile for what seemed like an hour, his name, his picture...I clicked on the message button to send him a message but what was I going to say? Hi! Remember me? I've been stalking you over the years and here I am to "peep" into your life? I was really nervous to send anything but I knew I had to...I had to before the opportunity was gone.
So...I did. It was quick, to the point, and said something like "Hi! Remember me?" I was just looking through and thought I'd look to see if you were on FB and you were! If you'd like to talk and say hello, feel free to write me back. I have to say...I was more excited than nervous to see what would happen. The next day I received a message back from him with his phone number.
Of course I could barely get to my phone without falling out of my chair. I wanted to talk and see how he was doing. On the other hand, I wasn't sure how I would feel hearing his voice again. We had a pretty long term relationship in High School and although he lived in Southgate when we dated, he had previously lived in Taylor and we had mutual friends. In fact, one was still a very dear friend of mine.
I called him and we talked for 3 hours!
After talking for 2 days STRAIGHT (only hanging up to sleep) I couldn't take it anymore. He was divorced, single, and lived in Ohio.Our mutual friend and myself decided to take the trip down there and have dinner with him. The minute I seen him, it was still an instant attraction. We both sat in the back seat of her car and he had his arm around me the whole time. I couldn't stop smiling. I felt SO SECURE sitting with him. How in the HELL could it feel so "familiar" after not seeing/talking to each other for 22 years? After spending a couple of hours together, my friend and I headed back home. Mike P and I talked for the 2 days following that and that weekend he came up here and spent a couple of days together (Memorial Day weekend). It was a great time...just like old times. We spent alone time together, there was a connection. A connection that I hadn't felt before. I felt a connection with Dan, even with Mike R. but this was different. Him and I could sit and talk for hours. We "felt" each other. We "understood" each other. We spent time with my family and it felt great. After the weekend was over he went back to Ohio but we still talked constantly. The following week I was in Ohio picking him up with his stuff and moving him into my house with me.
Yes, you read that right...after approx. a week and a half of talking after 22 years, I moved him into my home with my 2 kids...oh yeah, and Mike R. He was still there for approx. a week (in the basement) while Mike P was upstairs with me. Yes...VERY tense situation. Looking back I know it wasn't the wisest thing for me to do. At the time I thought it was the RIGHT thing to do. Someone I could have a stable relationship with and would be a good role model for my boys.
After a week or so Mike R. moved out and into an apartment while still seeing his girlfriend. He was happy but still came to me letting me know he still loved me. Letting me know that he would love for us to have been able to work it out and be a family. I myself wanted Mike P and me to work out so I kept Mike R. at arms length. After a little while of being together I started to see that he was more "controlling" than I was willing to admit at the beginning. I was (and still am) a control freak. That caused us to butt heads alot. He also was strict with the kids. I needed help with the boys. They were completely out of control and with everything that had been going on, I was on the edge of a nervous breakdown. Mike P set limits with the kids and helped keep them in line. I welcomed the help at the beginning, then little things started bothering me. The kids didn't want to be around him because they did'nt like having to listen. Mike P also is a big guy and very intimidating. The kids were scared of him and that started to drive a wedge between us. Things started bothering me more and more. I had outside influences in my ear telling me that he was no good for me and the boys. The more I heard from people, the more things bothered me.
January 3rd, 2011 the kids were at my Uncles house for the weekend. I called Mike and told him he had til 5pm the next day to get out of my house. He had nowhere to go. No car. Didn't know anyone here. He eventually found a friend from work to let him stay at his house for a week before finding a room to rent, still in Taylor. I FELT LIKE CRAP!!!
After a couple of weeks him and I started talking. I still loved him so much but I knew we couldn't be together. I couldn't handle the outside influences. I couldn't handle my kids not liking him or wanting to be in their own home. I couldn't handle not being in control of everything aspect of life. I couldn't handle having someone, a partner, that stood up to me and demanded respect. I wasn't sure how to handle any of that.
We stayed in contact. To say I was STRESSED is to say the least. I had to sneak around to see him (yes, I was 38 years old). I wanted to help him out with what he needed but I couldn't let anyone know I was doing it. I couldn't let people know I was still associating with him.
That went on for a couple of months until finally, sometime in June, I couldn't do it anymore. I told him I couldn't help him out or be there for him anymore. He moved back to Ohio and we lost contact. I missed him terribly. Thought about him constantly. Mike R. had moved back in and I once again, was trying to make it work with him. The past repeated itself with Mike R and myself and we ended it again. In August I took myself, my 2 boys, and my best friend Tony and moved into a new house.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Moving into a new house...with Mike or without?
I have to say, I felt like total crap having my cousin and her family moving out with no where to go. (They actually did find somewhere) but nonetheless it still left me feeling bad. It's been said I have a bad co-dependency problem...hmmm.....I think that about hits the nail on the head!
Anyway, about moving...I looked around and found the perfect house for us to move to and it was only 7 houses down the street from an elementary school. I was ECSTATIC! I couldn't decide though if I should just take the kids with me go or if I should have Mike R live with us too. He didn't want to leave the kids and I figured we didn't have a break to actually live alone. I decided to bring him with me and the kids. We moved into the house in August and on September 2nd the divorce was final. I had to follow through with my first decision of the divorce when I found out the relationship that I thought we were working at was still filled with lies. For Mikes credit, he says he was afraid to be honest with me with some things for fear of disappointing me. I won't ever really understand that thinking because I believe you're better off with being honest regardless of what the situation is. I believe I will always find out the truth (as Mike knows) and then all Hell will break loose and be 10xs worse. Anyhow, September 2nd 2009 I went to the courthouse in Detroit with my Mother and friend Karen and the divorce was final. It bothered me don't get me wrong but I knew in my heart it was the right thing to do. The next day? Feelings overwhelmed me like I didn't know were possible.
On September 3rd, 2009 after much thinking and alot of deliberating, with my lawyer next to me, I entered the courthouse once again to change the name of my oldest son. I felt it was right for him to be named after Mike since he was the daddy that he knew and he was the one that had been there to take care of my son. In my eyes, I didn't believe Dan would be in our life and I didn't want our son starting school with a different last name than me and wondering where it came from. His middle name was after his great paternal grandfather and I also believed that needed to be changed. I wanted the boys and myself to all have the same last name so I changed his to mine and gave him Mikes' middle name. When the judge granted this request a feeling of such relief came over me. I remember crying uncontrollably and remembering, finally, all the trouble with Dan that we had had was over with. I went home with the court papers in hand and registered my son for school under his new name.
After everything had set in, I started to feel guilty about my son having a whole other family that he didn't know about. The more I thought about it the worse I felt. Everyday I looked at my son I seen Dan in him. His sensitive personality, his looks, it seemed everyday there was something there that reminded me once again of Dan. I started emailing Dan and sending him pictures of our son. It was a small thing that I could do and still have access to Dans life. He still had the same girlfriend and everytime I contacted him I asked when the wedding date was. He always had a date and it seemed that everything between them was perfect. It broke my heart everytime I received an email back from him with the words, I only want to hear from you if it's regarding our son. I longed for the time we had been together. The connection we had, the feelings between us, the "completeness" I felt that I had only with him. I convinced myself that because he was happy and going on with life that I needed to do the same thing.
The time went on and things weren't getting better between Mike and I. In fact, it was getting worse. I was incredibly stressed all the time. So much one time that I actually had a panic attack. I've prided myself with the fact that mentally I had been so strong. When the panic attack had happened I had to wake up and realize what I was doing to my mental state. Shortly after that time my best friend, whom I had been friends with over 20 years had nowhere to go. Of course, because we were so close, I let him move in with us. He was in the basement, Mike was upstairs, and the kids and I had the 2 bedrooms on the main floor. To say it was cramped is an understatement but I couldn't let my best friend not have anywhere to go.....In May of 2010, after doing some looking around on Facebook, I found my ex boyfriend...one I hadn't seen or heard from in 22 years.
Anyway, about moving...I looked around and found the perfect house for us to move to and it was only 7 houses down the street from an elementary school. I was ECSTATIC! I couldn't decide though if I should just take the kids with me go or if I should have Mike R live with us too. He didn't want to leave the kids and I figured we didn't have a break to actually live alone. I decided to bring him with me and the kids. We moved into the house in August and on September 2nd the divorce was final. I had to follow through with my first decision of the divorce when I found out the relationship that I thought we were working at was still filled with lies. For Mikes credit, he says he was afraid to be honest with me with some things for fear of disappointing me. I won't ever really understand that thinking because I believe you're better off with being honest regardless of what the situation is. I believe I will always find out the truth (as Mike knows) and then all Hell will break loose and be 10xs worse. Anyhow, September 2nd 2009 I went to the courthouse in Detroit with my Mother and friend Karen and the divorce was final. It bothered me don't get me wrong but I knew in my heart it was the right thing to do. The next day? Feelings overwhelmed me like I didn't know were possible.
On September 3rd, 2009 after much thinking and alot of deliberating, with my lawyer next to me, I entered the courthouse once again to change the name of my oldest son. I felt it was right for him to be named after Mike since he was the daddy that he knew and he was the one that had been there to take care of my son. In my eyes, I didn't believe Dan would be in our life and I didn't want our son starting school with a different last name than me and wondering where it came from. His middle name was after his great paternal grandfather and I also believed that needed to be changed. I wanted the boys and myself to all have the same last name so I changed his to mine and gave him Mikes' middle name. When the judge granted this request a feeling of such relief came over me. I remember crying uncontrollably and remembering, finally, all the trouble with Dan that we had had was over with. I went home with the court papers in hand and registered my son for school under his new name.
After everything had set in, I started to feel guilty about my son having a whole other family that he didn't know about. The more I thought about it the worse I felt. Everyday I looked at my son I seen Dan in him. His sensitive personality, his looks, it seemed everyday there was something there that reminded me once again of Dan. I started emailing Dan and sending him pictures of our son. It was a small thing that I could do and still have access to Dans life. He still had the same girlfriend and everytime I contacted him I asked when the wedding date was. He always had a date and it seemed that everything between them was perfect. It broke my heart everytime I received an email back from him with the words, I only want to hear from you if it's regarding our son. I longed for the time we had been together. The connection we had, the feelings between us, the "completeness" I felt that I had only with him. I convinced myself that because he was happy and going on with life that I needed to do the same thing.
The time went on and things weren't getting better between Mike and I. In fact, it was getting worse. I was incredibly stressed all the time. So much one time that I actually had a panic attack. I've prided myself with the fact that mentally I had been so strong. When the panic attack had happened I had to wake up and realize what I was doing to my mental state. Shortly after that time my best friend, whom I had been friends with over 20 years had nowhere to go. Of course, because we were so close, I let him move in with us. He was in the basement, Mike was upstairs, and the kids and I had the 2 bedrooms on the main floor. To say it was cramped is an understatement but I couldn't let my best friend not have anywhere to go.....In May of 2010, after doing some looking around on Facebook, I found my ex boyfriend...one I hadn't seen or heard from in 22 years.
Summer of 2008......let the giving start!
My cousin (as mentioned at the beginning of this) that I was so close to had moved out to California. Things weren't working out so well out there and they ended up not having anywhere to go. So, because we had the relationship we did, I allowed her and her 3 kids (11, 4, and 1) to move in with me, Mike, and the boys. They made an "apartment" in our basement. Her husband wasn't working so therefore their care was pretty much in my hands. I supported them with cigarettes, diapers, food, transportation, EVERYTHING. I fell into a deep depression and pretty much spent alot of time in my bedroom. Things were going downhill with me and Mike because of the serious trust issue and I although I managed to stay in contact with Dan by sending him pictures of Danny, I missed him terribly. I literally dreamt of him a couple times a week. In some dreams it would end with him telling me he was happy and wanted to stay with her. Then, there were others I would have where we would end up together. More than once I actually woke up with a smile only to be hurt when I realized it was a dream.
In October of 08 Mike and I separated but still managed to live together since we thought that was best for the kids. We both started dating other people and for a short while, life was happy again.
I was happy with the person I was dating. It seemed to be exactly what I wanted. It lasted about 4 months and although some things weren't so "great" I overlooked them in hopes that it would just blow over.
"T" and I broke up in March of 09 and Mike and I had done alot of talking. Although he was with his girlfriend, he always confessed his love for me. I decided to call the divorce off that I had filed for the day BEFORE we were scheduled to be in court. I wasn't 100% comfortable with it and felt I needed to give it ONE more try. All that did was prolong the inevitable
At this time, trust was still an issue and a couple of other things happened to make it even worse. Although I was never completely over Dan and in all honesty never gave 100% of myself to Mike. I know it takes two to make a relationship work/fail so I really don't completely blame Mike. He knew my heart wasn't all his and in turn he did some things that I didn't approve of. It was obvious to me that although him and I shared the kids and such a history, we were much better off as friends. My cousin still lived with us and her husband had come to join us at that time. He still wasn't working and all the money for the bills came from me and Mikes unemployment (his office had closed 2 weeks prior to my dads passing). We paid for their Christmas, birthday parties, etc. so of course, there was that added stress. I contacted my attorney and proceeded with the divorce.Because Summer was there and in September my youngest would be starting school, I knew something had to be done to get the chaos of their life and be "settled" when school started. It was then that I decided to move into yet another house forcing my cousin and her family to move out.
In October of 08 Mike and I separated but still managed to live together since we thought that was best for the kids. We both started dating other people and for a short while, life was happy again.
I was happy with the person I was dating. It seemed to be exactly what I wanted. It lasted about 4 months and although some things weren't so "great" I overlooked them in hopes that it would just blow over.
"T" and I broke up in March of 09 and Mike and I had done alot of talking. Although he was with his girlfriend, he always confessed his love for me. I decided to call the divorce off that I had filed for the day BEFORE we were scheduled to be in court. I wasn't 100% comfortable with it and felt I needed to give it ONE more try. All that did was prolong the inevitable
At this time, trust was still an issue and a couple of other things happened to make it even worse. Although I was never completely over Dan and in all honesty never gave 100% of myself to Mike. I know it takes two to make a relationship work/fail so I really don't completely blame Mike. He knew my heart wasn't all his and in turn he did some things that I didn't approve of. It was obvious to me that although him and I shared the kids and such a history, we were much better off as friends. My cousin still lived with us and her husband had come to join us at that time. He still wasn't working and all the money for the bills came from me and Mikes unemployment (his office had closed 2 weeks prior to my dads passing). We paid for their Christmas, birthday parties, etc. so of course, there was that added stress. I contacted my attorney and proceeded with the divorce.Because Summer was there and in September my youngest would be starting school, I knew something had to be done to get the chaos of their life and be "settled" when school started. It was then that I decided to move into yet another house forcing my cousin and her family to move out.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
2008...the year I lost my Daddy
After finally getting divorced the end of 2007 to my first husband, Mike R and myself decided to get married in January of 08. I thought it was the right thing to do since he was so wonderful to me and the kids. I never had someone treat me as well as he did and I knew I could always depend on him. Marriage was the logical answer...(or so I thought)
After being married for a couple of months I received a phone call from my Daddy stating that he had some testing done and he was found to have brain cancer. I heard the words but could only hold the phone speechless. I called my brother and it was the hardest phone call I've ever made. I didn't know exactly what all this meant but I only hoped it meant he would get chemo and would be ok. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. He was diagnosed April 6th. I went down to be with him in Tennessee since I was the one that wasn't working and took my oldest with me. After spending even just a couple of weeks there, I could see my Daddy, who was always this strong, "mans man" of a human being becoming weaker and weaker. It got to the point that he couldn't drink liquids and was completely helpless with everyday living arrangements. I came back up to MI for a short while when my brother went down to be with him and after hearing we should be coming back down there, My mom, sister in law, niece, nephew, myself, and my 2 kids took off down there. We got there the morning of June 14th which also happened to be the day before Fathers Day. I whispered in my Daddys ear that we were there and we were ok and it would be ok to go on. I swear to this day he waited until he heard the sound of his grandkids and kids one more time. At 4:45pm that day he was gone to be with the Lord. During this very trying and painful time in my life I had my family there but for some reason didn't feel the need to have my husband with me. I did however feel the need to be in contact with Dan. Although it was strictly basic texting back and forth about how Danny was doing, it made me feel better because at least I still had a "connection" with him. I knew that he was in a very happy relationship and was almost certain that they would end up getting married. I had to accept that fact and although it was so hard, I learned to live with it. I made it through my daddys funeral and somehow made it through the next day which was Fathers Day. My brother barbecued some steaks (my Daddys favorite thing to do) in his honor and we had the hardest Fathers Day ever.All the drama of a family death was done and we were on our way back to MI to try and continue on life.
When we got back Mike R and myself had moved into a house and out of the apartment. Him and I had continued to have a rocky existence. There had been some things that had happened that I had a REALLY hard time accepting and I believe because my heart in all honesty still belonged to Dan, it made what happened with Mike and I even worse. We tried talking and working through everything and I thought for awhile we had. The summer of 08 my cousin and her 3 kids came to stay with us at my house....
After being married for a couple of months I received a phone call from my Daddy stating that he had some testing done and he was found to have brain cancer. I heard the words but could only hold the phone speechless. I called my brother and it was the hardest phone call I've ever made. I didn't know exactly what all this meant but I only hoped it meant he would get chemo and would be ok. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. He was diagnosed April 6th. I went down to be with him in Tennessee since I was the one that wasn't working and took my oldest with me. After spending even just a couple of weeks there, I could see my Daddy, who was always this strong, "mans man" of a human being becoming weaker and weaker. It got to the point that he couldn't drink liquids and was completely helpless with everyday living arrangements. I came back up to MI for a short while when my brother went down to be with him and after hearing we should be coming back down there, My mom, sister in law, niece, nephew, myself, and my 2 kids took off down there. We got there the morning of June 14th which also happened to be the day before Fathers Day. I whispered in my Daddys ear that we were there and we were ok and it would be ok to go on. I swear to this day he waited until he heard the sound of his grandkids and kids one more time. At 4:45pm that day he was gone to be with the Lord. During this very trying and painful time in my life I had my family there but for some reason didn't feel the need to have my husband with me. I did however feel the need to be in contact with Dan. Although it was strictly basic texting back and forth about how Danny was doing, it made me feel better because at least I still had a "connection" with him. I knew that he was in a very happy relationship and was almost certain that they would end up getting married. I had to accept that fact and although it was so hard, I learned to live with it. I made it through my daddys funeral and somehow made it through the next day which was Fathers Day. My brother barbecued some steaks (my Daddys favorite thing to do) in his honor and we had the hardest Fathers Day ever.All the drama of a family death was done and we were on our way back to MI to try and continue on life.
When we got back Mike R and myself had moved into a house and out of the apartment. Him and I had continued to have a rocky existence. There had been some things that had happened that I had a REALLY hard time accepting and I believe because my heart in all honesty still belonged to Dan, it made what happened with Mike and I even worse. We tried talking and working through everything and I thought for awhile we had. The summer of 08 my cousin and her 3 kids came to stay with us at my house....
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