So, good ol' Facebook. I had been looking for my ex boyfriend (Mike P) over the past years mainly because I was really curious as to how his life had turned out. To be honest with you, from what I had heard about his life, I wasn't even sure he was still alive. Around the year 1998 (approx) my mom had ran into him at her workplace. He was a manager at another restaurant and had came to hers for a manager meeting. She told me she seen him and that put him back into my mind. He also had told her that he was getting married so as quick as he entered my mind, he went right to the back of it.
So, fast forward to 2010. May of 2010. I decided to look up his name on Facebook and BAM! There he was...it was really him! I stared at his profile for what seemed like an hour, his name, his picture...I clicked on the message button to send him a message but what was I going to say? Hi! Remember me? I've been stalking you over the years and here I am to "peep" into your life? I was really nervous to send anything but I knew I had to...I had to before the opportunity was gone.
So...I did. It was quick, to the point, and said something like "Hi! Remember me?" I was just looking through and thought I'd look to see if you were on FB and you were! If you'd like to talk and say hello, feel free to write me back. I have to say...I was more excited than nervous to see what would happen. The next day I received a message back from him with his phone number.
Of course I could barely get to my phone without falling out of my chair. I wanted to talk and see how he was doing. On the other hand, I wasn't sure how I would feel hearing his voice again. We had a pretty long term relationship in High School and although he lived in Southgate when we dated, he had previously lived in Taylor and we had mutual friends. In fact, one was still a very dear friend of mine.
I called him and we talked for 3 hours!
After talking for 2 days STRAIGHT (only hanging up to sleep) I couldn't take it anymore. He was divorced, single, and lived in Ohio.Our mutual friend and myself decided to take the trip down there and have dinner with him. The minute I seen him, it was still an instant attraction. We both sat in the back seat of her car and he had his arm around me the whole time. I couldn't stop smiling. I felt SO SECURE sitting with him. How in the HELL could it feel so "familiar" after not seeing/talking to each other for 22 years? After spending a couple of hours together, my friend and I headed back home. Mike P and I talked for the 2 days following that and that weekend he came up here and spent a couple of days together (Memorial Day weekend). It was a great time...just like old times. We spent alone time together, there was a connection. A connection that I hadn't felt before. I felt a connection with Dan, even with Mike R. but this was different. Him and I could sit and talk for hours. We "felt" each other. We "understood" each other. We spent time with my family and it felt great. After the weekend was over he went back to Ohio but we still talked constantly. The following week I was in Ohio picking him up with his stuff and moving him into my house with me.
Yes, you read that right...after approx. a week and a half of talking after 22 years, I moved him into my home with my 2 kids...oh yeah, and Mike R. He was still there for approx. a week (in the basement) while Mike P was upstairs with me. Yes...VERY tense situation. Looking back I know it wasn't the wisest thing for me to do. At the time I thought it was the RIGHT thing to do. Someone I could have a stable relationship with and would be a good role model for my boys.
After a week or so Mike R. moved out and into an apartment while still seeing his girlfriend. He was happy but still came to me letting me know he still loved me. Letting me know that he would love for us to have been able to work it out and be a family. I myself wanted Mike P and me to work out so I kept Mike R. at arms length. After a little while of being together I started to see that he was more "controlling" than I was willing to admit at the beginning. I was (and still am) a control freak. That caused us to butt heads alot. He also was strict with the kids. I needed help with the boys. They were completely out of control and with everything that had been going on, I was on the edge of a nervous breakdown. Mike P set limits with the kids and helped keep them in line. I welcomed the help at the beginning, then little things started bothering me. The kids didn't want to be around him because they did'nt like having to listen. Mike P also is a big guy and very intimidating. The kids were scared of him and that started to drive a wedge between us. Things started bothering me more and more. I had outside influences in my ear telling me that he was no good for me and the boys. The more I heard from people, the more things bothered me.
January 3rd, 2011 the kids were at my Uncles house for the weekend. I called Mike and told him he had til 5pm the next day to get out of my house. He had nowhere to go. No car. Didn't know anyone here. He eventually found a friend from work to let him stay at his house for a week before finding a room to rent, still in Taylor. I FELT LIKE CRAP!!!
After a couple of weeks him and I started talking. I still loved him so much but I knew we couldn't be together. I couldn't handle the outside influences. I couldn't handle my kids not liking him or wanting to be in their own home. I couldn't handle not being in control of everything aspect of life. I couldn't handle having someone, a partner, that stood up to me and demanded respect. I wasn't sure how to handle any of that.
We stayed in contact. To say I was STRESSED is to say the least. I had to sneak around to see him (yes, I was 38 years old). I wanted to help him out with what he needed but I couldn't let anyone know I was doing it. I couldn't let people know I was still associating with him.
That went on for a couple of months until finally, sometime in June, I couldn't do it anymore. I told him I couldn't help him out or be there for him anymore. He moved back to Ohio and we lost contact. I missed him terribly. Thought about him constantly. Mike R. had moved back in and I once again, was trying to make it work with him. The past repeated itself with Mike R and myself and we ended it again. In August I took myself, my 2 boys, and my best friend Tony and moved into a new house.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Moving into a new house...with Mike or without?
I have to say, I felt like total crap having my cousin and her family moving out with no where to go. (They actually did find somewhere) but nonetheless it still left me feeling bad. It's been said I have a bad co-dependency problem...hmmm.....I think that about hits the nail on the head!
Anyway, about moving...I looked around and found the perfect house for us to move to and it was only 7 houses down the street from an elementary school. I was ECSTATIC! I couldn't decide though if I should just take the kids with me go or if I should have Mike R live with us too. He didn't want to leave the kids and I figured we didn't have a break to actually live alone. I decided to bring him with me and the kids. We moved into the house in August and on September 2nd the divorce was final. I had to follow through with my first decision of the divorce when I found out the relationship that I thought we were working at was still filled with lies. For Mikes credit, he says he was afraid to be honest with me with some things for fear of disappointing me. I won't ever really understand that thinking because I believe you're better off with being honest regardless of what the situation is. I believe I will always find out the truth (as Mike knows) and then all Hell will break loose and be 10xs worse. Anyhow, September 2nd 2009 I went to the courthouse in Detroit with my Mother and friend Karen and the divorce was final. It bothered me don't get me wrong but I knew in my heart it was the right thing to do. The next day? Feelings overwhelmed me like I didn't know were possible.
On September 3rd, 2009 after much thinking and alot of deliberating, with my lawyer next to me, I entered the courthouse once again to change the name of my oldest son. I felt it was right for him to be named after Mike since he was the daddy that he knew and he was the one that had been there to take care of my son. In my eyes, I didn't believe Dan would be in our life and I didn't want our son starting school with a different last name than me and wondering where it came from. His middle name was after his great paternal grandfather and I also believed that needed to be changed. I wanted the boys and myself to all have the same last name so I changed his to mine and gave him Mikes' middle name. When the judge granted this request a feeling of such relief came over me. I remember crying uncontrollably and remembering, finally, all the trouble with Dan that we had had was over with. I went home with the court papers in hand and registered my son for school under his new name.
After everything had set in, I started to feel guilty about my son having a whole other family that he didn't know about. The more I thought about it the worse I felt. Everyday I looked at my son I seen Dan in him. His sensitive personality, his looks, it seemed everyday there was something there that reminded me once again of Dan. I started emailing Dan and sending him pictures of our son. It was a small thing that I could do and still have access to Dans life. He still had the same girlfriend and everytime I contacted him I asked when the wedding date was. He always had a date and it seemed that everything between them was perfect. It broke my heart everytime I received an email back from him with the words, I only want to hear from you if it's regarding our son. I longed for the time we had been together. The connection we had, the feelings between us, the "completeness" I felt that I had only with him. I convinced myself that because he was happy and going on with life that I needed to do the same thing.
The time went on and things weren't getting better between Mike and I. In fact, it was getting worse. I was incredibly stressed all the time. So much one time that I actually had a panic attack. I've prided myself with the fact that mentally I had been so strong. When the panic attack had happened I had to wake up and realize what I was doing to my mental state. Shortly after that time my best friend, whom I had been friends with over 20 years had nowhere to go. Of course, because we were so close, I let him move in with us. He was in the basement, Mike was upstairs, and the kids and I had the 2 bedrooms on the main floor. To say it was cramped is an understatement but I couldn't let my best friend not have anywhere to go.....In May of 2010, after doing some looking around on Facebook, I found my ex boyfriend...one I hadn't seen or heard from in 22 years.
Anyway, about moving...I looked around and found the perfect house for us to move to and it was only 7 houses down the street from an elementary school. I was ECSTATIC! I couldn't decide though if I should just take the kids with me go or if I should have Mike R live with us too. He didn't want to leave the kids and I figured we didn't have a break to actually live alone. I decided to bring him with me and the kids. We moved into the house in August and on September 2nd the divorce was final. I had to follow through with my first decision of the divorce when I found out the relationship that I thought we were working at was still filled with lies. For Mikes credit, he says he was afraid to be honest with me with some things for fear of disappointing me. I won't ever really understand that thinking because I believe you're better off with being honest regardless of what the situation is. I believe I will always find out the truth (as Mike knows) and then all Hell will break loose and be 10xs worse. Anyhow, September 2nd 2009 I went to the courthouse in Detroit with my Mother and friend Karen and the divorce was final. It bothered me don't get me wrong but I knew in my heart it was the right thing to do. The next day? Feelings overwhelmed me like I didn't know were possible.
On September 3rd, 2009 after much thinking and alot of deliberating, with my lawyer next to me, I entered the courthouse once again to change the name of my oldest son. I felt it was right for him to be named after Mike since he was the daddy that he knew and he was the one that had been there to take care of my son. In my eyes, I didn't believe Dan would be in our life and I didn't want our son starting school with a different last name than me and wondering where it came from. His middle name was after his great paternal grandfather and I also believed that needed to be changed. I wanted the boys and myself to all have the same last name so I changed his to mine and gave him Mikes' middle name. When the judge granted this request a feeling of such relief came over me. I remember crying uncontrollably and remembering, finally, all the trouble with Dan that we had had was over with. I went home with the court papers in hand and registered my son for school under his new name.
After everything had set in, I started to feel guilty about my son having a whole other family that he didn't know about. The more I thought about it the worse I felt. Everyday I looked at my son I seen Dan in him. His sensitive personality, his looks, it seemed everyday there was something there that reminded me once again of Dan. I started emailing Dan and sending him pictures of our son. It was a small thing that I could do and still have access to Dans life. He still had the same girlfriend and everytime I contacted him I asked when the wedding date was. He always had a date and it seemed that everything between them was perfect. It broke my heart everytime I received an email back from him with the words, I only want to hear from you if it's regarding our son. I longed for the time we had been together. The connection we had, the feelings between us, the "completeness" I felt that I had only with him. I convinced myself that because he was happy and going on with life that I needed to do the same thing.
The time went on and things weren't getting better between Mike and I. In fact, it was getting worse. I was incredibly stressed all the time. So much one time that I actually had a panic attack. I've prided myself with the fact that mentally I had been so strong. When the panic attack had happened I had to wake up and realize what I was doing to my mental state. Shortly after that time my best friend, whom I had been friends with over 20 years had nowhere to go. Of course, because we were so close, I let him move in with us. He was in the basement, Mike was upstairs, and the kids and I had the 2 bedrooms on the main floor. To say it was cramped is an understatement but I couldn't let my best friend not have anywhere to go.....In May of 2010, after doing some looking around on Facebook, I found my ex boyfriend...one I hadn't seen or heard from in 22 years.
Summer of 2008......let the giving start!
My cousin (as mentioned at the beginning of this) that I was so close to had moved out to California. Things weren't working out so well out there and they ended up not having anywhere to go. So, because we had the relationship we did, I allowed her and her 3 kids (11, 4, and 1) to move in with me, Mike, and the boys. They made an "apartment" in our basement. Her husband wasn't working so therefore their care was pretty much in my hands. I supported them with cigarettes, diapers, food, transportation, EVERYTHING. I fell into a deep depression and pretty much spent alot of time in my bedroom. Things were going downhill with me and Mike because of the serious trust issue and I although I managed to stay in contact with Dan by sending him pictures of Danny, I missed him terribly. I literally dreamt of him a couple times a week. In some dreams it would end with him telling me he was happy and wanted to stay with her. Then, there were others I would have where we would end up together. More than once I actually woke up with a smile only to be hurt when I realized it was a dream.
In October of 08 Mike and I separated but still managed to live together since we thought that was best for the kids. We both started dating other people and for a short while, life was happy again.
I was happy with the person I was dating. It seemed to be exactly what I wanted. It lasted about 4 months and although some things weren't so "great" I overlooked them in hopes that it would just blow over.
"T" and I broke up in March of 09 and Mike and I had done alot of talking. Although he was with his girlfriend, he always confessed his love for me. I decided to call the divorce off that I had filed for the day BEFORE we were scheduled to be in court. I wasn't 100% comfortable with it and felt I needed to give it ONE more try. All that did was prolong the inevitable
At this time, trust was still an issue and a couple of other things happened to make it even worse. Although I was never completely over Dan and in all honesty never gave 100% of myself to Mike. I know it takes two to make a relationship work/fail so I really don't completely blame Mike. He knew my heart wasn't all his and in turn he did some things that I didn't approve of. It was obvious to me that although him and I shared the kids and such a history, we were much better off as friends. My cousin still lived with us and her husband had come to join us at that time. He still wasn't working and all the money for the bills came from me and Mikes unemployment (his office had closed 2 weeks prior to my dads passing). We paid for their Christmas, birthday parties, etc. so of course, there was that added stress. I contacted my attorney and proceeded with the divorce.Because Summer was there and in September my youngest would be starting school, I knew something had to be done to get the chaos of their life and be "settled" when school started. It was then that I decided to move into yet another house forcing my cousin and her family to move out.
In October of 08 Mike and I separated but still managed to live together since we thought that was best for the kids. We both started dating other people and for a short while, life was happy again.
I was happy with the person I was dating. It seemed to be exactly what I wanted. It lasted about 4 months and although some things weren't so "great" I overlooked them in hopes that it would just blow over.
"T" and I broke up in March of 09 and Mike and I had done alot of talking. Although he was with his girlfriend, he always confessed his love for me. I decided to call the divorce off that I had filed for the day BEFORE we were scheduled to be in court. I wasn't 100% comfortable with it and felt I needed to give it ONE more try. All that did was prolong the inevitable
At this time, trust was still an issue and a couple of other things happened to make it even worse. Although I was never completely over Dan and in all honesty never gave 100% of myself to Mike. I know it takes two to make a relationship work/fail so I really don't completely blame Mike. He knew my heart wasn't all his and in turn he did some things that I didn't approve of. It was obvious to me that although him and I shared the kids and such a history, we were much better off as friends. My cousin still lived with us and her husband had come to join us at that time. He still wasn't working and all the money for the bills came from me and Mikes unemployment (his office had closed 2 weeks prior to my dads passing). We paid for their Christmas, birthday parties, etc. so of course, there was that added stress. I contacted my attorney and proceeded with the divorce.Because Summer was there and in September my youngest would be starting school, I knew something had to be done to get the chaos of their life and be "settled" when school started. It was then that I decided to move into yet another house forcing my cousin and her family to move out.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
2008...the year I lost my Daddy
After finally getting divorced the end of 2007 to my first husband, Mike R and myself decided to get married in January of 08. I thought it was the right thing to do since he was so wonderful to me and the kids. I never had someone treat me as well as he did and I knew I could always depend on him. Marriage was the logical answer...(or so I thought)
After being married for a couple of months I received a phone call from my Daddy stating that he had some testing done and he was found to have brain cancer. I heard the words but could only hold the phone speechless. I called my brother and it was the hardest phone call I've ever made. I didn't know exactly what all this meant but I only hoped it meant he would get chemo and would be ok. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. He was diagnosed April 6th. I went down to be with him in Tennessee since I was the one that wasn't working and took my oldest with me. After spending even just a couple of weeks there, I could see my Daddy, who was always this strong, "mans man" of a human being becoming weaker and weaker. It got to the point that he couldn't drink liquids and was completely helpless with everyday living arrangements. I came back up to MI for a short while when my brother went down to be with him and after hearing we should be coming back down there, My mom, sister in law, niece, nephew, myself, and my 2 kids took off down there. We got there the morning of June 14th which also happened to be the day before Fathers Day. I whispered in my Daddys ear that we were there and we were ok and it would be ok to go on. I swear to this day he waited until he heard the sound of his grandkids and kids one more time. At 4:45pm that day he was gone to be with the Lord. During this very trying and painful time in my life I had my family there but for some reason didn't feel the need to have my husband with me. I did however feel the need to be in contact with Dan. Although it was strictly basic texting back and forth about how Danny was doing, it made me feel better because at least I still had a "connection" with him. I knew that he was in a very happy relationship and was almost certain that they would end up getting married. I had to accept that fact and although it was so hard, I learned to live with it. I made it through my daddys funeral and somehow made it through the next day which was Fathers Day. My brother barbecued some steaks (my Daddys favorite thing to do) in his honor and we had the hardest Fathers Day ever.All the drama of a family death was done and we were on our way back to MI to try and continue on life.
When we got back Mike R and myself had moved into a house and out of the apartment. Him and I had continued to have a rocky existence. There had been some things that had happened that I had a REALLY hard time accepting and I believe because my heart in all honesty still belonged to Dan, it made what happened with Mike and I even worse. We tried talking and working through everything and I thought for awhile we had. The summer of 08 my cousin and her 3 kids came to stay with us at my house....
After being married for a couple of months I received a phone call from my Daddy stating that he had some testing done and he was found to have brain cancer. I heard the words but could only hold the phone speechless. I called my brother and it was the hardest phone call I've ever made. I didn't know exactly what all this meant but I only hoped it meant he would get chemo and would be ok. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. He was diagnosed April 6th. I went down to be with him in Tennessee since I was the one that wasn't working and took my oldest with me. After spending even just a couple of weeks there, I could see my Daddy, who was always this strong, "mans man" of a human being becoming weaker and weaker. It got to the point that he couldn't drink liquids and was completely helpless with everyday living arrangements. I came back up to MI for a short while when my brother went down to be with him and after hearing we should be coming back down there, My mom, sister in law, niece, nephew, myself, and my 2 kids took off down there. We got there the morning of June 14th which also happened to be the day before Fathers Day. I whispered in my Daddys ear that we were there and we were ok and it would be ok to go on. I swear to this day he waited until he heard the sound of his grandkids and kids one more time. At 4:45pm that day he was gone to be with the Lord. During this very trying and painful time in my life I had my family there but for some reason didn't feel the need to have my husband with me. I did however feel the need to be in contact with Dan. Although it was strictly basic texting back and forth about how Danny was doing, it made me feel better because at least I still had a "connection" with him. I knew that he was in a very happy relationship and was almost certain that they would end up getting married. I had to accept that fact and although it was so hard, I learned to live with it. I made it through my daddys funeral and somehow made it through the next day which was Fathers Day. My brother barbecued some steaks (my Daddys favorite thing to do) in his honor and we had the hardest Fathers Day ever.All the drama of a family death was done and we were on our way back to MI to try and continue on life.
When we got back Mike R and myself had moved into a house and out of the apartment. Him and I had continued to have a rocky existence. There had been some things that had happened that I had a REALLY hard time accepting and I believe because my heart in all honesty still belonged to Dan, it made what happened with Mike and I even worse. We tried talking and working through everything and I thought for awhile we had. The summer of 08 my cousin and her 3 kids came to stay with us at my house....
Wow! I have TWO kids under 2 years old!!!
After my second son was born to say I had my hands full would be putting it lightly. I opted to have a C-Section because I knew he was going to be big and I didn't want to risk any problems with him. Turned out I was right, he was 10pds4ounces! I came home with him after about 3 days in the hospital and didn't feel good at all. I went back to the hospital after a couple more days and found out I had an infection due to the C-Section. Spending a week in the hospital after having a new baby and a 18 month old at home that needed me terribly was the worst week ever. I begged and pleaded with the hospital to let me out but everyone talked me into staying and getting myself well. Finally, after getting better, I was released to go home. Only to find out my dad was in the hospital and didn't know if he would make it through or not. After being home for 2 days from the hospital and having a 10 day old baby, we took off driving to Tennessee. Thankfully, my Mom and Mike R went with me and he was able to sit with the kids while I went to the hospital to be with my dad. He was on dialysis and the diagnosis was Sepsis. We were in Nashville for approximately a week until he was able to be released and we knew he would be ok (at that time anyway). During the time all this was going on I stayed in contact with Dan through text messages and found it almost IMPOSSIBLE to completely let him go. He had moved on with a new girlfriend and I felt my heart break again. Leaving Nashville and coming home I tried to live the life that had made itself out to be.
In August of 07 Mike, myself, my mom, and the kids decided to go out to eat at Ryans Steakhouse. It was my absolute favorite restaurant and I had never had a problem with them prior. About an hour after eating I became very flushed and very hot. I started to get nauseated but tried to use "mind over matter" and ignore it. That night, it got worse and I spent the next 19 hours in the bathroom. I had become so weak that when my mom came over the next morning to check on my I couldn't even open my eyes, much less get dressed. She managed to help me get ready and rushed me to the hospital. I couldn't even sit up while checking in and we knew there was something immediately wrong when they couldn't get a blood pressure. They rushed me to the back into the "emergency working room" and all of a sudden there was an influx of Drs surrounding me. They managed to get my blood pressure from my calf and it was 50/35. My kidneys had shut down, I was one wrong breath away from being flown to UofM, and was immediately admitted to ICU with food poisoning. I had a direct A-Line and also a tube put through my neck directly to my heart. I seriously thought I was going to die. It was as close to death as I've ever become and I can tell you this, it was nothing but by the Grace of God above that I was able to walk out of there a week later. The Drs and Nurses at Oakwood Heritage Hospital in Taylor were beyond wonderful and played a vital role in bringing me "back from the dead". Finally, I was well enough to go home with my babies. I had a really hard time bonding with my youngest son during this time because of all the emergencies that had happened since he had been born so I needed to spend extra time with just him and I. The rest of that year had went great although in my mind, I still thought of Dan and how much I loved him. I never felt complete although I was trying to live life with what I had been given.
In August of 07 Mike, myself, my mom, and the kids decided to go out to eat at Ryans Steakhouse. It was my absolute favorite restaurant and I had never had a problem with them prior. About an hour after eating I became very flushed and very hot. I started to get nauseated but tried to use "mind over matter" and ignore it. That night, it got worse and I spent the next 19 hours in the bathroom. I had become so weak that when my mom came over the next morning to check on my I couldn't even open my eyes, much less get dressed. She managed to help me get ready and rushed me to the hospital. I couldn't even sit up while checking in and we knew there was something immediately wrong when they couldn't get a blood pressure. They rushed me to the back into the "emergency working room" and all of a sudden there was an influx of Drs surrounding me. They managed to get my blood pressure from my calf and it was 50/35. My kidneys had shut down, I was one wrong breath away from being flown to UofM, and was immediately admitted to ICU with food poisoning. I had a direct A-Line and also a tube put through my neck directly to my heart. I seriously thought I was going to die. It was as close to death as I've ever become and I can tell you this, it was nothing but by the Grace of God above that I was able to walk out of there a week later. The Drs and Nurses at Oakwood Heritage Hospital in Taylor were beyond wonderful and played a vital role in bringing me "back from the dead". Finally, I was well enough to go home with my babies. I had a really hard time bonding with my youngest son during this time because of all the emergencies that had happened since he had been born so I needed to spend extra time with just him and I. The rest of that year had went great although in my mind, I still thought of Dan and how much I loved him. I never felt complete although I was trying to live life with what I had been given.
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