So, Dan was able to take a transfer with his job which landed him about an hour outside of Windsor. He had some friends in Windsor that allowed him to stay there so he made the hour trip back and forth every day for work. We were so happy! Finally, it would be so much easier to see each other! Unfortunately, that wasn't always the case...
Because he lived in an upstairs flat with 2 friends there was obviously no room for myself and 2 kids to come on the weekend. The only option we had was a hotel. It became pricey and I became aggravated. After a short while, Dan found himself an apartment. I promised him I would bring Danny over on the weekends so they could build a relationship together. I promised him that I could stay there while he was at work and be there when he got home...he would hardly be alone!
Something changed. When I was there it felt good to be there with him but, when I got home, I had another life to take care of. I had a house, kids, bills, school, family, etc. etc. that I had to take care of on my own. It was like I had 2 seperate lives and it became a strain on our relationship. I was tired once the weekend came from everything during the week. The kids went to daddys house every weekend and all I really wanted to do was either sleep or "destress" in front of the TV and not have to move. Dan wanted me to come over there and spend time with him (which I had promised him I would do) but somehow, the 1/2 hour/45 minute drive to his apartment felt like 3 hours. I was tired...
I told him several times I would come over because I didn't want to disappoint him but then when the time came, I was just so tired or didn't feel like moving that I made excuses to him about having to stay here. It of course caused arguments between us but his love for me still remained the same. I had to wonder sometimes if mine did. I let little things bother me, I let what other people said bother me, and I let them bother me to the point of causing a breakup between the two of us. I realize now that the love on my end never waivered. I had (and still do) a hard time doing what makes me happy if it's not what others think I should do. Judging from the past, alot of people (family mostly) thought it would be best if him and I weren't together. I started listening to them, let the little things bother me, and sooner or later let it cause trouble between Dan and myself.
Breaking up with Dan never changed the way I felt. I still loved him, I still thought about him, and I still longed for him to be with me. I wanted more than anything for the paperwork to go through for him to be here and I wanted it done NOW. I know that's not realistic and things like that take time (don't need another border incident) but if it's one thing the both of us DON'T have is patience. So, while listening to other people and letting them influence my thoughts, we went back and forth alot in our relationship/breaking up. I really didn't understand why I was doing it. Why was I listening to other people that knew NOTHING of the feelings and connection that him and I had shared? Sooner rather than later, we would talk and get back together. It became a roller coaster to everyone in my life. I just knew I wanted to be with him but maybe what others were saying were true? Afterall, maybe they knew me better than myself?
I realized I was wrong but tried it one more time (just recently actually) and completely ignored him and every member of his family. I used positive reinforcement and tried to convince myself that life went on and I would be happy. The thing that I couldn't ignore is that Danny now knew him...and loved him as a dad. How can I take that out of his life? I still tried to convince myself (and others) that I wanted us apart. It made everyone happy. Everyone but me and our son. Danny came to me with tears saying he missed his dad, he would ask me continuously when we were going back to Canada again, and I laid in bed at night longing for him to be laying next to me...I came to realize that regardless of how much I try to convince myself (and others) that it's best for us to be apart, it's never going to be true. We will NEVER be happy or fulfilled without each other...
