I have to say, I felt like total crap having my cousin and her family moving out with no where to go. (They actually did find somewhere) but nonetheless it still left me feeling bad. It's been said I have a bad co-dependency problem...hmmm.....I think that about hits the nail on the head!
Anyway, about moving...I looked around and found the perfect house for us to move to and it was only 7 houses down the street from an elementary school. I was ECSTATIC! I couldn't decide though if I should just take the kids with me go or if I should have Mike R live with us too. He didn't want to leave the kids and I figured we didn't have a break to actually live alone. I decided to bring him with me and the kids. We moved into the house in August and on September 2nd the divorce was final. I had to follow through with my first decision of the divorce when I found out the relationship that I thought we were working at was still filled with lies. For Mikes credit, he says he was afraid to be honest with me with some things for fear of disappointing me. I won't ever really understand that thinking because I believe you're better off with being honest regardless of what the situation is. I believe I will always find out the truth (as Mike knows) and then all Hell will break loose and be 10xs worse. Anyhow, September 2nd 2009 I went to the courthouse in Detroit with my Mother and friend Karen and the divorce was final. It bothered me don't get me wrong but I knew in my heart it was the right thing to do. The next day? Feelings overwhelmed me like I didn't know were possible.
On September 3rd, 2009 after much thinking and alot of deliberating, with my lawyer next to me, I entered the courthouse once again to change the name of my oldest son. I felt it was right for him to be named after Mike since he was the daddy that he knew and he was the one that had been there to take care of my son. In my eyes, I didn't believe Dan would be in our life and I didn't want our son starting school with a different last name than me and wondering where it came from. His middle name was after his great paternal grandfather and I also believed that needed to be changed. I wanted the boys and myself to all have the same last name so I changed his to mine and gave him Mikes' middle name. When the judge granted this request a feeling of such relief came over me. I remember crying uncontrollably and remembering, finally, all the trouble with Dan that we had had was over with. I went home with the court papers in hand and registered my son for school under his new name.
After everything had set in, I started to feel guilty about my son having a whole other family that he didn't know about. The more I thought about it the worse I felt. Everyday I looked at my son I seen Dan in him. His sensitive personality, his looks, it seemed everyday there was something there that reminded me once again of Dan. I started emailing Dan and sending him pictures of our son. It was a small thing that I could do and still have access to Dans life. He still had the same girlfriend and everytime I contacted him I asked when the wedding date was. He always had a date and it seemed that everything between them was perfect. It broke my heart everytime I received an email back from him with the words, I only want to hear from you if it's regarding our son. I longed for the time we had been together. The connection we had, the feelings between us, the "completeness" I felt that I had only with him. I convinced myself that because he was happy and going on with life that I needed to do the same thing.
The time went on and things weren't getting better between Mike and I. In fact, it was getting worse. I was incredibly stressed all the time. So much one time that I actually had a panic attack. I've prided myself with the fact that mentally I had been so strong. When the panic attack had happened I had to wake up and realize what I was doing to my mental state. Shortly after that time my best friend, whom I had been friends with over 20 years had nowhere to go. Of course, because we were so close, I let him move in with us. He was in the basement, Mike was upstairs, and the kids and I had the 2 bedrooms on the main floor. To say it was cramped is an understatement but I couldn't let my best friend not have anywhere to go.....In May of 2010, after doing some looking around on Facebook, I found my ex boyfriend...one I hadn't seen or heard from in 22 years.
